“Democratizing mercantilism in awards manufacture since 2021”
WINNER – YOU WIN THE AWARD YOURSELF! AWARD!
It feels good, doesn’t it. Winning an award. But it can feel even better.
You are more than just an award-winning Award Yourself! potential client. Don’t let us define who you are. You do it. Give yourself a prize. You’ve earned it!™
Got the most angular shag bob at your community college? Pulled off the rare Winkle squeeze at your Sunday contract bridge game? Selected the song least suited to your vocal range at karaoke? Imagine winning an award for that. Well now you can, from Award Yourself! It’s a Win-Win Corporation.™ Just tell us what award you think you should win, and if you deserve it, we’ll give it to you.
And if you don’t think you deserve it, you do.
Still not convinced? Consider the following chart:
This bar graph is proof, validated by science, of the failings of the reward structure of late stage capitalism. Studies have shown that people win only one third of the number of awards they deserve. That is why Award Yourself! is critically important to counter the elite underproduction endemic in our bourgeois proletarian internationalist polity.
Why Choose Us
There are lots of custom awards manufacturers out there. But we’re not your everyday mercenary medal smelters, just forging trophies and certificates for anyone who will pay us. We don’t ladle out accolades indiscriminately. When you apply for an award from Award Yourself!, we empanel a jury of potentially esteemed personages in your field. You will send us documentation demonstrating your excellence. If the jury decides you deserve your prize, you win! When you get a certificate or trophy from us, you will know you have earned it. That will feel good.
Get the recognition you deserve.™
Award Yourself! juries are chaired by the Institute for the Calibration of Reality’s co-directors, who themselves are award-winners!
Porch Lagersthwaite won the Popular Grammatics Award for his unpublished white paper that popularized the pluperfect abstruse verb tense.
Saintarctica Ottorino won the Phantasmal Genius Grant, a self-funded $100,000 grant disbursed over five years, for an exacting investigation of the hypnopompic imagination, as chronicled in her forthcoming monograph Hallucinography: Writing in a Dream State.
We have filled orders for dozens of other custom awards.
- Consolation Prize, Tremolo Sjukskoterska, clerical assistant, Stockholm Veterinary Hospital, for consoling eleven children in one day
- Earliest Adopter of New Headlight Technology Award, Jamie Littleword, Madison WI
- Most Impassioned Defense of First Generation My Little Ponies Award, Alex Chevalier, Caribou Heights Elementary, Moosejaw, Canada
- Best Gooseberry Pie (We’ll Miss You) Award, given posthumously to Agnes Westerwood, “an above average grandmother,” per Trillie, age 7
- Residential Medal of Freedom, Dwight “Dwight’s All Right” d’Artifice, for coordinating the neighbourhood fireworks display for 15 years without incident or injury
Get Your Award!
If you would like to receive a trophy (3″ tall), the fee is $2975. If you would like to receive a certificate, calligraphed by hand, the fee is $1495. If our jury decides you are not worthy of your award, the fee will be returned to you less a $295 jury empanelling charge.
