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Institute for the Calibration of Reality
Urgent Communiqué
January, 2023
Of all of humanity’s abiding problems, none is so vexing to the average citizen as our inability to communicate with horses. What, after all, might the dressage horse tell us of grace and gait? Or the pack horse of tare and weight? Yet be it the bray and neigh of Equus Ferus (the Wild Horse) or the rumble and clang of Equus Ferrus (the Iron Horse), equine communication has proven immune to Gesprächsanalytisches or to syntactic or phonemic analysis.
The Institute maintains a commitment to allocating resources to problems in inverse proportion to the likelihood of their eventual solution. We have thus devoted our revenues from this fiscal quarter to We Talk to Horses, a mysterious Montréal-based outfit at least nominally dedicated to the pressing question of human-horse dialogics. Their method proceeds in two phases. First, they produce and disseminate sound recordings that bear some resemblance to the popular music of our time. Then they paint flamboyantly serene pictures, sometimes of horses. This strategy, of course, makes no sense. But when the greatest minds in human history have dedicated all of their intellectual energies to a problem, and that problem has proven intractable, the only strategy that might work is one that does not make sense. This is why We Talk to Horses has the Insitute’s unwavering and unquestioning support.
In response to the Institute’s request for a progress report, We Talk to Horses provided a sound recording ‘to be released in May 2023,’ along with an image illustrating how their work to date has barely ‘moved the needle.’ That nothwithstanding, we impatiently await a glorious future when the resolution of this problem illuminates our world with a floodlight so powerful that flowers burst from the ground and birds stop midflight to gaze down upon our newly radiant earth.
